I circle through three states of being every hour:
i am not doing enough to succeed
i should have studied maths
i am safe and trust my journey
It is making me dizzy.
And whilst I always return to feeling safe, I become paranoid that the repetitive thinking about failure will in turn manifest itself into my life.
I am stressed about many things that do not exist for me yet.
And I am aware that I do not need to stress about things that are not in my present everyday life. But it feels unavoidable to not stress when every conversation starts with: ‘What are your plans for next year now you’ve graduated?’. I just want to exist, simply.
My plans are to not stress, and I think this is a very good plan for someone who has had chronic anxiety her whole life.
The job market is in a terrible state and on top of that I studied Illustration so it’s not looking good for me. And I choose to be ignorant of this because otherwise, I will be stressed. And I do not want to be stressed. Yet even typing that word this many times has me stressed that it’s going to make me stressed just thinking about it.
Maybe I did not provide myself with immediate post-graduate security by studying a creative subject however I was instead taught self-love.
My art degree taught me that balance is the answer. I am my most creative when I am not making art. I am my most academic when I am drawing. The inbetween is the answer.
Through the self-discovery that art brings, I was able to learn things that I would not have learnt from studying maths. I learnt how to structure my routines to minimise stress. I learnt that comparison will kill your happiness and you have to force yourself to act through kindness.
I learnt you do not have to destroy your nervous system and develop chronic illnesses by working 10 hour days to be successful. There is joy in simplicity and breathing fresh air.
I end this degree with the ability to make poetry books, layout pretty presentations and socialise with anyone off the street. It has been highly valuable as a space for me to unravel the years of self hatred I had given myself and rebirth my spirit into confidence and love. I definitely owe this to studying art over maths.
I am at peace with the fact that I cannot plan my next year of life whilst being stuck in unemployment limbo. This is simply the current phase of my long life. I am enjoying the temporary quietness of it. In trusting myself and my abilities, I know I will find a way to a fulfilling life. Even if it doesn’t look successful to others it can be successful to me.
Please don’t ask me what I am doing next year, I want to look back on this post and rewrite it once I have my life together.
This was just so beautiful and I have one year left of my fine art degree but all these feelings are so genuine and thoughtful. I feel seen and heard by them. :,)